Jun 30, 2010

Conversation with an LGBT Champion

by Melissa Keyes DiGioia 
Today marks the last day of the national Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) Pride Month.   President Obama’s proclamation recognizes important aspects of a person’s sexual self:  sexual orientation and gender identity.    In order to gain some perspectives on these important areas of sexuality education, I spoke with an expert, Lis Maurer.

Maurer is the founding Director of The Center for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender (LGBT) Education, Outreach, and Services at Ithaca College in Ithaca, New York.  Maurer fosters the academic success and personal growth of LGBT and allied students, and offers college-wide services to enhance the campus community's understanding and appreciation of LGBT people and themes.  As a consultant and trainer, Maurer addresses a variety of additional themes, including disability, global health, diversity, and multiculturalism, and has spoken for audiences on three continents.
  
In 2009, Lis Maurer and co-editor Rebecca Plante created a fabulous new book entitled Doing Gender Diversity: Readings in Theory and Real-World Experience.  Lis was kind enough to discuss the new book, blogging, and LGBT pride month.


Melissa Keyes DiGioia: How would you describe Doing Gender Diversity: Readings in Theory and Real-World Experience?:


Lis Maurer:    It explores the fundamental question “What is gender diversity?” Diversity is often meant to focus on people who vary from what we typically expect or from what the majority experience is believed to be.  Our book explores what it would mean to talk about gender diversities -  to argue that all forms of gender, from the usual to the unusual, are socially constructed; and to investigate how gender is developed, experienced, and presented by the range of persons who “do” or perform gender (namely, all of us).

The complexity of our gendered lives can be confusing. The book focuses on gender itself—how gender operates socioculturally, exists, functions, and is presented in micro and macro interactions.  The book is organized to examine the various ways in which culture intersects with individuals to produce the range of presentations of self that we call “gender,” from people born male who become adult men to lesbian women to transmen, and everyone else on the diverse gender spectrum.

MKD:  What inspired the book’s creation?

LM:  My co-editor, Rebecca Plante, and I were chatting one day about how amazing it would be if all the most exceptional articles about gender – from typical to transgressive – were all contained in one magical book.  Such a book could be an outstanding text for classes on gender studies, sexuality, and a number of other disciplines…but sadly it did not exist.  One challenge for faculty was locating and being able to provide such readings, but such an undertaking was difficult and time-consuming.  And, all of the existing books we could think of tended to balkanize or silo both gender-diverse people and sexually-diverse people, setting aside a chapter or several readings that managed to set such people apart in an artificial manner – a fact that disturbed us, as it shortchanged the experiences of typically gendered people, while sensationalizing the experience of those with other gender identities and experiences.  For fun, we began to brainstorm all the topics and themes that would be in such a book, the most excellent big book of genderful experience.  And after awhile, we realized we actually had the makings of a really cool book.  We wrote up a formal proposal, landed a publisher, and the rest is history!  Ours really was an eclectic creative process that included many brainstorming sessions, donuts, a few surprises, disappointments, and happy accidents along the way.

MKD:  The name of the book is quite interesting.  Is there any significance?

LM:  In the language of sociologists Candace West and Don Zimmerman – this book is about ‘doing gender.’  It was designed so readers will understand how gender is ‘done’ by all of us in ways that fully reveal our diversity.  The book includes a range of sources, from popular press, first-person narratives to academic readings. We also wanted to avoid the pitfall of ‘segregating’ race, ethnicity, and multiple cultures.

MKD:  Is the book geared for any particular audience?

LM:  In our original thinking, we conceptualized it as text for undergraduate college students in sociology, gender and sexuality studies, history, anthropology, cultural studies, family studies/human development, social work, and the like.   What we’re also hearing from reviewers though, is that it is also a great source book for the casual reader or anyone interested in learning more about gender.    And when a review of the book appeared in Curve magazine, the nation’s best selling lesbian magazine, we were delighted to realize the scope of those interested in the book’s content reached far outside academia as well.

MKD:  What hopes you do you have for readers? 

LM:  Our aim was to address issues of gender diversity relevant both on campus and in greater society; and to provide  a timely resource against the backdrop of recent and markedly increased academic and media attention directed to gender diversity issues and themes.  We believe it can assist in preparing students for life in a diverse and multicultural world, provide new and careful viewpoints with which to critically examine labels and socio-cultural assumptions, and that it provides one resource from which to draw readings focused on the spectrum of gender diversity themes.

MKD:  You are a fellow blogger too!   Tell us about the blog, Out for Good

LM:  I’ve been out as long as I can remember. I couldn’t live my life any other way. That’s my own experience, and with it comes a certain set of learnings, experiences, and sometimes adventures.  I also respect that for some people decisions about coming out and being out – how, when, if, where, why, how much – can be messy and complicated. Out for Good is a space where I explore some of those ideas.  Sometimes just getting out of bed can seem like a major accomplishment. There are lists and lists of problems and challenges that seem all too familiar in the terrain of LGBT life. And yet, there are those other times too, where despite the challenges of being part of a non-dominant group, there is some pretty good stuff happening.  So the blog title is a double entendre that sums up all of that. 

With the blog I consider all things LGBT and beyond.  This includes the ways we interact with the local community and with the world, the ways our unique skills and experiences can be put into practice toward positive change, and the ways we can take good care of ourselves, and of each other.

I try to find some positive spin, where I can. And in cases where I can’t, I at least try to suggest ideas for finding common ground or for moving forward. Sometimes the things on my mind are directly related to LGBT themes, and other times they’re not at all. Since we are everywhere in the world, one might say any topic could be LGBT- related in some way or another.  Blog posts have ranged everywhere from science to music to sports to literature.   Country music, the politics of small towns, out LGBT college presidents, comic books, the 2010 Census – all places I’ve roamed so far in Out for Good.


LM:   The Center actively fosters the academic success and personal growth of LGBT students, and it offers college-wide services to enhance the campus community's understanding and appreciation of LGBT people and themes.  The Center provides access to information, education, support, and services that value each person's unique diversity.  The Center's services include campus-wide LGBT-themed educational programs and opportunities including the annual Out of the Closet and Onto the Screen film series, a resource room that offers a welcoming and supportive environment for LGBT people and their allies, and resources, information, and referrals on LGBT issues.   In my role on campus I also support students and our four LGBT-themed student organizations, and provide classroom presentations on LGBT themes in courses from occupational therapy to economics.

MKD:  What recommendations do you have for professionals to create a safe space to explore sexual orientation and gender with their audiences?

LM:  First, be prepared.  If you’re newer to this area, tap into some of the great resources that are available.  And even if you’ve been doing this work for awhile, know that some things do change!  Young people especially are expanding boundaries, challenging assumptions, and constructing identity and community in exciting new and different ways. 

Next, there are some easy, concrete things everyone can do:
  • Know how to locate a few key resources both online and in the community, for reference and referral.
  • Include LGBT-themed info and materials in your sessions or settings, and infuse your curriculum with content about sexual orientation and gender identity – ideally not as a separate, compartmentalized topic but as another important aspect to every topic.
  • Use inclusive language at all times, and call people what they want to be called.  If you are unsure about pronouns or preferred name, ask politely.
  • Respond when you hear others using non-inclusive language, making derogatory jokes, using incorrect assumptions/stereotypes, or voicing misinformation.
MKD:  June is LGBT pride month.  What pride celebratory events, do you suggest? 

LM:  If you live in or near a community that will have a specific Pride event or celebration, go!  There are several websites that provide comprehensive calendars of when and where Pride events occur throughout the country and throughout the world. There’s also a handy app that provides that information, too.  Or, contact your nearest community-based LGBT Center or campus-based center to ask.  Once you find them, you can also find out more about their offerings, or even volunteer.

If your community doesn’t have a Pride celebration, or you’d like to experience another one, those in big cities like New York, LA and San Francisco are always popular, too.  It’s also a great time to learn more, for instance the US Department of State has created a special page for Pride month where you can see profiles of some of the LGBT employees who work there, and also read the proclamations commemorating Pride Month from President Obama and the Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton.

Jun 28, 2010

Joe's Final Word: Final Part of our Interview on coming out on Facebook

In Part Two of my interview with my nephew Joe, we explore resources available to GLBTQ teens. My saucy sister Loretta (aka Retta), joined in on the interview to give her perspective on Joe coming out. Read on….

Me: Hey Joe!
And Retta!

Me: Happy day after graduation, Joe!

Joseph: lol thanks

Me:
So we left off last time with your words of wisdom to other teens who haven't come out yet.
What else you think is important for teens who are coming out to know?
Joseph: I guess I would want them to know that there are so many others who are coming out and already have. That there's a community out there even though it can feel like a pretty lonely struggle.
Me: Gotcha

Joseph: I don't think people really grasp that as much when they're so busy hiding it. There are people in your position and ways to communicate about your problem without risking coming out before you want to.

Me: So, where are some places that teens can reach out? Any places in particular you have found helpful so far?

Joseph: There are so many different sites you can check out that are helpful. GLAAD, GLSEN, and PFLAG is good when dealing with family communication. Even surfing YouTube was helpful. There are some open and pretty funny people on there that are out and just make you laugh and made me feel more comfortable about it.
Me: YouTube, huh? Any good videos you care to share?
Joseph: I don't have any specific videos on the brain but one user I liked a lot was Tyler Oakley. He vlogs on his own channel as well as a collaborative channel called the 5AwesomeGays
http://www.youtube.com/5awesomegays
Joseph: He's actually interning for The Trevor Project now, according to his vlogs and stuff.
Which is a good organization to mention
Me: Tell me more about the Trevor project
Joseph: The Trevor Project in a nutshell is a crisis hotline for LGBT youth.
Joseph: A place that is there for you and designed to help you get through your issues with being part of the LGBT community and especially for those who might be having suicidal thoughts.
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/home2.aspx

Me: The name come from a short film, right?

Joseph
Yep. Back in 1994 there was a short film entitled Trevor that dealt with a teen who attempted suicide after his friends reacted badly to his sexuality.
It's actually a comedy/drama. Not all frowns.
Me: I haven’t seen it, but I’m glad to hear it’s not all sad.
Me: So let’s shift gears a little here, since you’re mom is waiting for us to stop gabbing and get into the interview. So let’s hear from the Mama….

Me: Hey Retta, Welcome to the interview!!

Retta: Hey There!
Me: I loved the comments you made on Joe's blog- they were very moving, and passionate
Retta: Well I love the kid so much. He's pretty cool and sometimes the only way I know what's going through his head is to read his writings.
Me: Well, you're a great mom. So, in the comments, you said that your response to Joe coming out was a non-event. I know you explained what that meant in your comments, but can you elaborate for those that didn't read what you wrote?
Retta: For me it was. Like I said, I had suspicions. I remember calling you and asking you if I should ask him and you gave me wonderful advice. You told me to wait until he was ready. I did. He came to us when he was ready and I'm sure that was the best way to handle it.
It's funny. You speak with people about gay and lesbian kids and they ask "How can they know what they are" I always reply, well, when did you start liking girls? I'm sure most kids know a lot sooner than we think.
Me: Good point.

Retta: Getting back to the non-event. Like I said, I already knew. However, there were challenges. I worried about how his father would take it, his step father and the kids at his school. I didn't want him to be bullied.
I was surprised that he decided to come out right before senior year in high school. I thought it might be easier to wait until college. It's the Mom in me. I worry. You just have to read the story of Matthew Shepard and know how bad it can be out there.
Me It sounds like as a mom, you're very protective of Joe, and you have some honest concerns for your son.
Retta: Yes, I am. Probably over protective. That's one of my faults.
Me: No, I think that's normal mom behavior; then again, we come from the same gene pool. ; )

Retta: Like I've said on the blog, my main concern is my son being discriminated against. It makes me very angry that society feels they have a right to treat him differently. I can't believe that this is an issue.
I was reading some blogs from other parents on the PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) site and I found some of what they wrote incredible. By this I mean, how can you want to hide something about your kid? How can you be ashamed of your kid’s sexuality? It's sad, because it's ingrained in the brain.
Me: Ingrained in the brain… tell me more about that
Retta: I have to be honest. You don't see a lot of gays and lesbians walking around holding hands, kissing, showing affection in public. It's not the norm. I wish it were. It's going to take a lot of getting used to. Not only by our society, but even me. It's not something you see every day and it is different from what we are used to. That doesn't make it a bad thing though. That's the difference between me and some of those "other" people out there.
Me: No, I know you’re accepting of everyone. That’s how we were raised. So, what can parents, friends, professionals, etc do to help support GLBTQ teens?

Retta: Leave them the hell alone! Let them live their lives. Be happy for them if they have found love. Jeez, wouldn't you be happy if they found someone to love of the opposite sex. As I get older and get more experience with my children who are now adults, my biggest lesson has been to just get the hell out of the way. That's goes for this too. Let them live their lives. They'll come to you if they need you.
Also, be sure to let them know what resources are out there. I spoke with Joey about going online and getting involved in LGBT groups. Whether he decided to do it was his decision. I wasn't going to push it like some SAT prep course!
Me: Sure, everyone can decide if they need emotional support and what amount they need. How about activism? You mentioned in your comments that more people have to get involved...
Retta: Well, I've also decided to let other people know my opinion if I happen to hear them putting anyone in the LGBT community down. I will try to be politically correct, but you know me, I don't have much politically correct in my personality. I've also donated to the community and write to my government representatives when I feel it's appropriate.
Me: Lol, nobody in our family is very pc—but we are equal opportunity offenders. = )
Where can people go if they want to get more politically active on GLBTQ rights?
Retta: For parents and friends I would suggest PFLAG-they are very involved locally and especially nationally. They have wonderful online support groups and actual meetings once a month. I would highly recommend this. Here's Joe to tell you what he does:

Joseph: As far getting politically active goes.. I'd say to check out the Human Rights Campaign. They cover a lot of the issues and have links and the like to follow in regards to getting involved. They send out e-mails telling you about legislative initiatives and suggest petitions to sign your name to. Lately I've been getting e-mails asking me to call/mail my congressman on issues like Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Me: Repealing “Don't Ask Don't Tell” (allowing people who are GLBTQ to participate openly in the military) is a huge issue right now.

Joseph Yep, and it seems to be getting more attention with the right people now.
As far as a more hands on involvement goes.. I think it's all about local groups.
Work to improve your own community in some way, even if it's just your family at first. Churches can be a good help too, but it has to be the right kind. Our family got lucky with that.
Me: Sure have! There are great open and affirming religious groups! Like our family’s church:
http://www.rchighlandpark.org/
Me: So, any final words to the wise from either of you?

Joseph: Final thought? It's all about community. Support and supporting. The real fact is that gay rights are human rights and should be a concern to all, gay or straight.

Me: That's a million dollar final thought

Joseph Nah, that's really the easiest and simplest thought out there: love each other.
That really sums it up = )

Jun 20, 2010

All your answer's on men's health just in time for Father's Day!

In honor of Father’s Day, we thought it would be nice to highlight the health care available to men at our Planned Parenthood clinics. The following interview was conducted with a PPGNNJ Clinic Supervisor and staff nurse. Questions were collected by Robin Slaw, Sexual Health Educator with the Center for Family Life Education, based on questions asked by students and clients at programs or trainings.


1. Is Planned Parenthood for men, too? I thought it was just for birth control? That’s just for women to worry about, right?

Contraception is important for everyone to worry about. After all, having a child affects everyone. Also, women and men come to the clinic to have exams. Men need to take care of infection protection as well. It’s a good idea for everyone to care for their reproductive health!

2. What kind of care can men receive at your clinics?

Men can receive reproductive health care at our clinics, including exams and testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), condoms, education on birth control and STIs, and referrals for [men who have experienced] sexual assault.We also do partner treatment, so if your partner is a patient at PPGNNJ and has a positive test for an STI, then we can treat you without additional testing.

3. Won’t it be embarrassing for me, the only guy waiting with all those women?

You won’t be the only male in the clinic. Guys come in for their own exams, and they also accompany their partners. Anyway, we hope it won’t be embarrassing to care for your own health!

4. I learned in health class that I can come to your clinic for STI testing. What kinds of tests do you provide?

You can get tested for Chlamydia, Herpes (if lesions are present), HIV, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis. If you need a test for Herpes without symptoms being present, then we refer you to an STD clinic for the appropriate tests. If your partner is tested positive for Trichomoniasis, then we would treat you as well. We do visual exams for Scabies, Pubic Lice, and Genital Warts.

5. How do I know what tests I should get if I’ve had unprotected sex?

When you call, we’ll make an appointment for an STI screening. The clinician will determine the appropriate test(s).Additional testing partly depends on your demographic. For example, if you are in your teens and 20s, we know that Chlamydia is a high risk, so we would recommend a test for Chlamydia. If you’ve had male-to-male sex, or sex with a woman who has had sexual contact with someone who has had male-to-male sex, then we would recommend a test for Gonorrhea, since you might be at higher risk for that disease.

6. Why should I come to Planned Parenthood instead of my family doctor?

For confidential, professional and affordable care. Most people feel more comfortable coming to Planned Parenthood because they can sit and talk with trained staff, giving every client more time to discuss their concerns.

7. I’m 65, and dating women who are past the age of pregnancy. Why would I need to visit a Planned Parenthood clinic?

Even though your partner may not be at risk for pregnancy, both of you can still be at risk for sexually transmitted infections. If you are sexually active and non-monogamous, then we recommend that you ask a clinician about what tests are appropriate. If you are in a monogamous relationship, you can still come in for a genital exam.

8. I’m a concerned father sending my child off to college. What should I share about Planned Parenthood with my son or daughter to help keep them safe?

First, we would like to commend you for being supportive of your child and his or her sexual and reproductive health! You can bring your daughter or son in to talk to our health care providers about contraception, sexually transmitted infection prevention, and abstinence. If desired, your daughter or son can also get started with contraception at their first visit.

9. I heard from friends that you give away free condoms. Is that true?

Yes, we do, with every exam! Come on in! If you need to purchase condoms, they are low cost at Planned Parenthood.

10. I heard that condoms provided by Planned Parenthood break all the time. Is that true?

We have heard the same rumors, and we would like to assure you that we carry reputable brands of condoms. Clinics carry several different brands and types of condoms. [From educator Robin Slaw: It’s also important that you make sure that you understand how to properly fit and use a condom, since improper use or improper fit can lead to condom breakage. The most important issues are fit (too big or too small can cause breakage) and making sure to use a water- or silicon-based lubricant, not oil-based!]

For more information on men’s reproductive health care, please see Planned Parenthood’s Men’s Health Care pages.

For more information on sexually transmitted infections, try Planned Parenthood’s online test, The Check!

Jun 16, 2010

Part One: The Interview, coming out on Facebook.

For those that missed my nephew Joe’s blog post last week, he talked about his experience using Facebook as a means to come out. The following is the letter that Joe sent out to his friends and family and an interview that Joe and I had yesterday. It seemed fitting since Joe came out on Facebook that we have our interview via a live chat on Facebook. Read on for Joe’s amazing letter and our chat about how life has been for him since coming out. Please check out our Facebook page for more information or to post additional comments and questions for Colleen and Joe.
Here's Who I Am.

Thursday, July 23, 2009 at 2:51am


I am writing this because I am a boy without a strong voice and have much to say. I am a boy with a great heart and have been inclined to keep it enclosed in a minuscule box. Well, society has forced my heart into this box the wrong side up and I am suffocating. I will always be a boy until I take a deep breath and begin the rest of my life as a man with one step away from my restrictions.

Like millions of others, I have goals and dreams of succeeding in my life. I have wishes and hope to change this world for the better. I want to bring happiness to as many as I possibly can. I want to reach out and teach compassion. I want to be an advocate for a better life for all. I want to show the world that I am human, and I want them to see that I am striving for a better world not only for me, but for all.

My values are simple and they are pure. I believe in love. I believe in the power of the heart and soul to know that no matter what anybody says, that what you feel deep down in the core of who you are, whatever that feeling may be, it is the right path. No matter what deities, books, or congregations might tell us, your heart, your soul, and your love are the only tools sufficient enough to illuminate your way through the unknown future.

So listen to those faithful devices we all contain. Free yourself from social opposition and drop those weights of negative opinions. For when you shed these burdens, you will soar higher than the stars. And when you are soaring through the abyss of life, I hope you open your eyes and realize that the universe continues to exist. The stars will continue to smile with that twinkle in their eyes and you will understand that you are a human who can love. That you are an admirable person who can accept all walks of life and realize that we are all equal.

As you read this, I feel I have taken my first step on the road of a man. I am finished playing hide and seek with myself.

I am a man who has feelings for other men, and I will not allow shame or discrimination to push me back into the small confines it provides for me. I am a man with a growing voice, and much to say. Here are my ambitions:

-I want to be accepted. I will not become a second class citizen and I will never settle for separate but equal.

-I want to be able to scream from the mountain tops that I am in love with another man and not be swept from the peaks by roaring winds of opposition.

I dream of a future where the tables are round and love is the law of the land. And if I cannot see such a future cross with my own, I will remain strong and determined to give my life so that my sons and daughters and your sons and your daughters can live without hate and discrimination. We are all great, and we are all different, but always remember that in an ideal world, the only prerequisite for equality is simply a pulse.

Regardless of where my life is headed, I've finally taken the first step to find out just where exactly my compass is pointing. I'm Joseph, I am gay, and I am ready for life and love. Anything else is just an obstacle that I will overcome.



Interview with Joe

Me: Joe!! You busy?

Joseph: Hey! Nope, just surfing youtube

Me: Sweet! Let’s get to that interview if you have some time!

Joseph: Alrighty

Me: So, in the blog you wrote for us (it’s pretty darn awesome, by the way), you talked about why you chose Facebook as your vehicle for coming out to friends and family. Were there any other things you want people to know about why you chose to come out on Facebook?

Joseph: I guess I wanted to really explain a little further as to why I did and why it might not be a bad choice for others to do the same. There are definitely some perks to it all.

Me: Ok, so tell me what the benefits were to using Facebook.

Joseph: For one I felt like it was a great buffer. It put a bit of a filter into the conversation bound to happen. Instead of having it [in] real time with the possibility of emotions and the like jumbling up the message, I had everything I wanted to say right there for all to see. It protected me from losing what I really wanted to say, you know? I think in conversations that are about sensitive things like coming out, we give in a bit more to prevent tense feelings.

Me: I guess it also helps to not have to repeat yourself a million times to the family, lol.

Joseph: Haha, yeah especially with our gigantic one. Same thing with all of my friends. To be honest though, I think the biggest perk of it all was…

Me: Bated breath here, lol.

Joseph: Diluting the matter to become simply another trait of mine. On my Facebook page it says I'm a male, my birthday is May 31st, I'm into men... and hey he liked The Dark Knight.

Me: I gotcha- you can just be Joe now.

Joseph: Exactly. It's "facebook offish" now. Hehe. Short for official, just in case that was lost in translation

Me: Yes, I am old and not into the lingo. ; )

Joseph: I love the option of having all of the reactions down in a list of comments too. Having the ability to delete anything bad is also great too, but thank God I didn't have to do that.

Me: Let's talk about the reception you got…were you surprised by anything at all?
I mean anyone's reaction

Joseph: Hm… Well first of all I want to just note that the reception I received was definitely overwhelmingly positive. This may not be true for everyone who comes out on Facebook... but I think I only had one surprise.
It was I guess a few months after I had officially come out that my dad found out.
I didn't choose to tell him, and quite frankly I had no intention of telling him, but once again it was bound to be leaked to him after posting it on Facebook. He talked to my mom briefly about it and basically said that he still loved me and I was his son. Granted he threw in the fact that he didn't agree with it, but coming from my President of the Italian-American Club father... it was a good surprise.

Me: That's definitely a better reception from him than I expected.

Joseph: Mhm. I haven't personally talked to him about it, and I actually haven't talked to him at all save for a call for my birthday. It's a bit of an awkward matter and it only goes to show that coming out is definitely a process. It isn't a one time deal. There will be people in my life that I want to find out in due time.

Me: Sure. It's one of those traits a person has that isn't obvious, for lack of a better word. I can imagine that it's tough with your dad, but I'm sure you will get to a less awkward place. What was the funniest reaction you got on facebook?

Joseph: Oh man! Take a guess!

Me: Yes, Zombie man? Uncle Rich?

Joseph: Ding ding! I'll quote him. I'm sure that will tickle him pink.
"So that’s why all the Ken Dolls had no shirts on. Jeeze this really came out of left field. NOT. We have always been very, very, proud of you .Even when you played with Barbies. We are looking forward to meeting the Doctor you’re going to marry, seeing the kids you’re going to adopt, and the career that is going to change the world. Whoever you’re in love with will still have to meet and be grilled by your family, who will always love you. I LOVE YOU JOSEPH- Uncle Rich”
Me: Yup. I remember this! Very sweet, and very Uncle Rich. Has there been a negative side to coming out on Facebook?

Joseph: There is one thing that bothers me a little: accepting friend requests from those you're not too keen on knowing just yet. I would love to connect with some of the people who add me, but that stops me from time to time.
"Once again proving that it takes time to get comfortable [with coming out]. On some levels I'm not comfortable with it, even though I know it's just another trait of mine. "

Me: Sure-- I don't always feel comfortable sharing personal things with certain people-- like where I work for example. You're never sure how some people will react.

Joseph: Yup, and even though ideally we like to say that if somebody has an issue with it, just brush it off... it's easier said than done.

Me: That's part of being human, I think. It's good that you're setting boundaries for yourself- I think that's important.

Joseph: We can only bite off so much. Life has certainly been a lot more than just dealing with coming out. I can only devote so much energy and patience to that.

Me: Sure. I remember you were going for your license a few days after you came out!
So yes, sexual orientation is just one piece of the puzzle in our lives.

Joseph: Haha yeah, this year has certainly been filled to the brim with things to handle.

Me: You’re not kidding! Grandma’s passing was a huge thing to handle this year.

Joseph: Grandma wrote me a letter about my coming out through an e-mail and I am so glad I have that. I won't ever lose that. Having these moments occur in part online have left me with some tangible memories to reinforce the precious moments in life.

Me: Tearing up here-- she loved you so much, Joe.

Joseph: She loved everyone so much. I love carrying that on, or at least trying my best to. I always ask myself "if it's worth it," something I remember her saying.

Me: She was a wise woman. So it sounds to me that if you had to do it all over again, you would come out on Facebook... is that the case? Would you have changed anything?
Joseph: Definitely [would do it again], and I don't think I would change anything at all. Having regrets is overrated.

Me: Gotcha. Wise man ; )

Joseph: Haha. Wise people helped raise me. .

Me: Speaking of wise, what words of wisdom do you have for others who haven't yet come out to family and friends?

Joseph: Hm.. embrace everything about yourself and love yourself fully. Be comfortable with being gay and don't for one minute let anyone convince you that it is wrong or some such nonsense. If somebody of the same sex makes your heart melt like butter, how can that be wrong? And get ready to give acceptance just as you hope others will accept you. Even the bigots. It's a two way street and sometimes the best we can do is stay in our own lane.

Me: So smart for someone so young.

Jun 9, 2010

New media brings new ways to come out...

Last year, Time ran an article in June, during Pride Month, about coming out on Facebook. (See the article here.) In brief, the article discusses how facebook and other social networks have placed the burden of discovery on our "friends" and "followers" easing the burden on the individual to go through the exhaustive process of coming out to friends and family again and again. While exploring possible topics for "Sexually Smarter" during Pride Month, a CFLE staffer proposed the idea of doing an interview on the CFLE facebook page with a relative who had come out via email/facebook note. Over the next few weeks she'll conduct an interview, which will be posted as a FB discussion and also on the CFLE's blog, "Sexually Smarter". Below is a look at how this idea began from the perspective of her teenage relative...

It’s the summer before my senior year of high school. July 23, 2009, to be exact. It’s around 12:30 in the morning when one of those random inspirational feelings hits me from out of nowhere. You know, the kind that makes you feel ready to conquer all of your problems right then and there? The only problem was that the likelihood of me holding onto this surge of courage and confidence into the next day after a long, slovenly teenage slumber was extremely slim. What was I supposed to do? Wake up my mom and come at her with the biggest obstacle of my life without her morning coffee first? No way. Instead, I took to a new Word document and poured my heart out through my fingertips. Leaving no emotion unexplored, I finished a coming out letter to my mom and one for everyone else in my life.

Awesome, it was off my chest and on my computer screen, glowing before me in the dark. For the next hour or so I flopped from my computer chair to my bed, and back, lips pursed and heart pacing as I considered taking one step further and sending it to my mom. It was right about 2:00 when reality finally breached my slew of reasons for not coming out and I began to think, “Why not? You have to do this eventually.” I reinforced my bit of courage with the facts of my case: An unconditionally loving family, security, and the seething urge to stop hiding something I find to be such a frivolous matter in the grand scheme of life. The waters seemed perfect for taking the plunge, and it was about time I listened to my mom’s advice to step out of my comfort zone.

Deep breath. Copy, paste, and send. It was hard to believe that I had just crossed over the threshold of a new open life with a quick e-mail at 2:30 in the morning. Tapping into every last drop of my courage, I logged into Facebook and posted my general letter as a note for all to see. I crawled into my bed, headphones playing every corny inspiring song in my itunes library and slept as long as I could. Dramatic? Possibly, but it helped soothe my soul.

Thank you to Colleen and her relative for sharing how he took plunge and come out via a social network. In the coming weeks they will explore why social networks may be a preferable way to come out to friends and family, what he was expecting when he came out, what were the outcomes, and what resources there are for young adults going through a similar experience. We hope that you will share your questions and comments as we’d like to keep this experience social and interactive, we only ask of our followers and fans that you keep your comments and questions relevant and please respect the choices and opinions of others.

Jun 2, 2010

CELEBRATING GAY PRIDE IN NYC


I attended my first Gay Pride in New York City on June 28, 2009, the year that the LGBTQ community commemorated the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots. It was a typical hot summer day on Hudson Street in the Village. I was scared, excited, worried and surprised all at once because though I had been working with the LGBTQ community in Harlem, I did not know what to expect at such a large scale event.


It was amazing, taking in all the festivities and how proud the gay community was to display who they were without any censorship! As I waited for my colleagues to arrive and set up our LGBTQ display on the corner of Hudson and Horatio Streets for PRIDEFEST, I was astounded at how many parents and family members were celebrating this special day with their gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender children and how proud they were of them. There was a post-op transgender woman in a bikini with a rainbow boa who kissed my cheeks, while I witnessed, for the first time, the beauty and diversity of a community that so many of my heterosexual family and friends disregard and disrespect. But I saw the potential of what can happen once a group of people come together to celebrate their individuality and sexuality.


While my first pride event was filled with laughter and acceptance, it took me some time to really appreciate the history behind this incredible event and political implications behind it!
The NYC Gay Pride festivities are the biggest party on the LGBTQ calendar. Its celebratory atmosphere is compared to Christmas and it’s commemorated more enthusiastically every year. From what I learned by working with LGBTQ persons throughout the years, the face of Gay Pride has changed and this community has achieved so much:

• 1969: The Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in the Greenwich Village section of New York City was raided by police in the early morning of Saturday, June 28th. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and people (including many in drag) rioted as a protest to the continued oppression of their rights. The Stonewall riots lasted several days, and many were arrested. For the first time, a significant amount of oppressed persons resisted arrest, including many persons of color. Thus a movement was born. Following the historic Stonewall riots in New York City, people were consumed with the power of liberation and celebration.


• 1970’s: The first gay march occurred in the summer of 1970. These early years were both serious and fun and were utilized to inspire greater movement for gay rights. Other major cities started their own annual marches. Some of these marches were called Gay Liberation Marches or Gay Freedom Marches. By the late '70s, organizers consolidated the marches under one name, Gay Pride to present a unified front to the nation and to give the movement legitimacy. The Rainbow Flag as we know it today was developed by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker in 1978. Baker explained that the colors each stood for a different aspect of gay and lesbian life: *hot pink for sexuality, *red for life, *orange for healing, *yellow for the sun, *green for nature, *blue for art, * indigo for harmony and *violet for spirit.


• 1990’s: By the early '90s, during the era of social awareness, families, friends and other supporters began to march with their LGBTQ sons and daughters, the event became known simply as Pride! The march was transformed once again in the early years of HIV/AIDS, for advocacy and remembrance.

Remember, in a world where 80 countries imprison homosexuals for their sexuality, take some time to honor the LGBTQ heroes in stilettos, wigs and make up, the new LGBTQ thugs and voguers, as well as folks in plain clothes, and everyone in between… People of all sexual orientations and gender identities should all have a better appreciation and respect for the LGBTQ community and its advocacy for human rights.

If you are interested in participating in the 2010 NYC Pride festivities, you can visit: www.nycpride.org or to find Pride events near you, google: National Gay Pride Parades.